3 Ways to Live With a Complicated Dog
Tip 1 Drop the Grief
I should have known what I was getting myself into when we went to meet her in foster. The shouting, threatening blob of jealous fury was not uncomplicated; she had a deep-set fear of unknown dogs and crippling fear of losing anything she valued.
But we can also shift that grief into awareness. Awareness that this dog has things to teach us. That they are a gift as they are. That this dog loves us and trusts us, and maybe there's no-one else in the world that they can give their heart to in that way.
Tip 2 Less is More, Put Down the 'Should'
We can be huge doers, us humans. We desperately want to help our dogs and so we think we must do more, be more, that we have more to achieve. It's the way we have made the world for ourselves. And our dogs as our best friends have been brought along for the ride.
There are a lot of should phrases in our heads, should do this, should have done that, should be this way or that way.
The thing is, with complex dogs, less really is more. For dogs with fears of humans, touch, or pressure, less interaction means more relaxing. Fewer walks means more safety in some cases. Less training can often mean more nervous system regulation, at least in the beginning, until they feel truly safe.
Learn more about your dog's glimmers of safety in this post.
Many of us are fixers. How can I fix it for my dog to feel safer, to be happier, to not react, to be easier to live with?
There are trainers out there who will do that for you when it's clearly not appropriate for the dog. Please know that training should never impact a dog's safety, and safety should always come first. But at this point in time, your dog might become calmer through casual scentwork, scatter feeding, or just being around you. Learn simple scentwork in this blog post.
An activity, or lack thereof, doesn't need to be tackling the problem behaviour to be able to change the problems.
It's also really important to get a dog who struggles properly checked for pain, here's why.
Tip Three Watch Yourself
Your dog is going to absolutely highlight things in you. You might want to call it a trigger, but honestly, it's not that. When they draw attention to you on walks because they are hollering, that's a highlight over whether you can cope with attention of strangers in that way, that deserves a question – not a should.
How about that upset you feel when the idea of hopelessness kicks in? Or the discomfort of someone's throwaway comment about your dog not being properly trained? What is that highlighting in you? Anger, defensiveness, sadness.
Do you run off to fix the idea that your dog is not trained, or do you sit with the discomfort that brings up and appreciate your dog for the opportunity?
In other words, do you honour yourself or get swayed by anything that makes you feel uncomfortable in the world?
Do you believe in yourself and the beautiful life you're giving to your dog, or feel like a failure (I promise you if you do, that feeling was there long before your dog – your beloved dog has just shown you where it is so you can heal it once and for all).
The final thing to watch yourself for is catastrophising.
One of the biggest and best things we can do when helping a complex dog is watch their recovery time after a setback. Change always happens inside first, and then the behaviour changes.
So watch yourself for saying nothing is changing and watch your dog, because if you're creating safety in them, they will be recovering increasingly quickly from any setbacks that may happen.
If this has resonated with you, take a look at the courses below, they have been handpicked for this blog post.